on the art of looking warm and staying cool
This morning as I walked downtown with bare legs and a tank top covered by only a thin outer layer, and as I passed people in MITTENS and SCARVES and BIG PUFFY DOWN JACKETS, I took a moment to give some thought to my personal philosophy regarding such a situation. It is as follows:
Whenever you have stepped outside and realized that what you are wearing is not quite appropriately warm for the day, but that the outfit is perfect as it is and shall not be polluted by sensible headgear or other pragmatisms—or, alternatively, you have realized that, whatever the temperature, you have no time to go back because oh shit, there’s the bus—the only proper, dignity-preserving response is to look and act as though you are quite comfortable, thank you very much. Yes indeed. Perfectly warm. With absolutely no idea why these weaklings who surround you feel the need to be so ridiculously bundled.
There are a basic few rules for achieving this look.
Number 1: Never frown, squint, or otherwise interfere with the brow area. Unless you are very gifted and talented and able to subtly raise one eyebrow in a “My, what a lovely day�”sort of way.
Number 2: Never grimace, clench your jaw, grit your teeth, or in any other way allow your mouth to indicate discomfort. On the other hand, don’t plaster an idiotic grin across your face, either. Keep the mouth relaxed, with just a hint of a smile. Mona Lisa-like.
Number 3: Keep your head up. No head-down-into-the-bitterly-cold-wind nonsense.
Number 4: Keep your shoulders down. No hunching them up around your ears. And don’t you dare turn your collar up.
Number 5: Wear sunglasses if you have them with you (and if they go with the outfit, of course). They say, “It is sunny and warm in my world. How very sad for you if you inhabit a colder, greyer universe.”
Number 6: Find a mantra. Today mine was, “It’s going to get warmer, it’s going to get warmer.” And it did. So there.
Number 7: Walk leisurely. Stroll. Or saunter, if you prefer.
This last requirement I was unfortunately unable to fill today. I was running a bit late for jury duty, so my pace was, at best, an unusually brisk saunter. Which hurt a little because of my adorable new shoes. And this brings us to a related philosophy: tough it out. Walk strong, sister. There’s really no point in wearing cute shoes if you’re hobbling around in them. Hobbling very efficiently nullifies cuteness.
And yes, you read that correctly. I began jury duty yesterday. And today I was chosen as a juror. For a case anticipated to last at least three to four weeks. WEEKS.
Naturally I’m not at liberty to discuss the case, as I’ve been sworn to secrecy. Or actually, as we haven’t technically been sworn in yet, I’ve been strictly admonished to secrecy by the judge. Oooh, can I say that? What I meant was that a person who may or may not have been a judge or in fact connected with the judicial system in any capacity might have mentioned something about me being quiet.
At any rate, expect self-consciously non-jury-related posts over the next month or so!